It occurred to me the other day that I probably had an eating disorder through most of my life. It never occurred to me that that was my problem because I always thought my problem was being the wrong size.

And since I thought that trying to change my body was normal, and because I never got thin enough to concern anyone, I never realized that I could have gotten help for my suffering much earlier than I did.

I am not an expert in feeding children. But I am a parent who has to feed her children every day.  I want to offer a few resources on how to feed children from those who know more than I, plus some perspective from someone who has heard countless stories about how a person's eating experience as a child shaped their relationship to food and their body as adults (and not in a good way).

This post was inspired by one cherry.

When it comes to food and body, it often feels like the grass would be greener if only we had a different body.

But is this really true?

If I look at a picture of myself from a few years ago, I might feel a bit nostalgic for the body that I had  at that time.  My body looks different now. 

Elizabeth woke up and immediately thought of the things she didn't want to do that day. The obligations, the chores, the work. Ugh. There is nothing I want to do today, she thought.

She got out of bed and noted that her feet hurt when they touched the floor and her back was sore. Great. We are off to a wonderful start today - she thought sarcastically. Maybe if I weren't so heavy my back wouldn't be sore.

My client sent me a certain NYTimes opinion piece article that I wanted to respond to right away because it was driving me crazy.  The original article is called "The Problem with Body Positivity" and the article is indeed causing a problem with it's mis-information, damaging healthism, contradictory points and lack of understanding of what a true Health at Every Size® and body positive approach even means. So let me clarify a few things if I may. 

I have something I need to get off my chest. How long does it take for people to be doing the same thing over and over again and not getting the results they want, for them to simply stop?

How long does it take for people to stop berating their loved ones for not getting the result they think they should get?  I think I am mad at these people the most.

Do you ever get an ache or pain or mysterious symptom that lingers for several months and you don't know what to do about it? 

When this happens to me, I used to always think that food was going to heal me. 

We are taught all around us that food is the cure for everything. 

This week I was asked how to help educate a health care provider who thinks that losing weight is how to help clients improve their self esteem. Oh boy, where do I start? 

Fuck no. How is that for starters? 

When I am not working as a mind-body eating coach, I am a health actuary in my spare time. For the last few years, my company has had a fitness challenge. The point of this challenge is to count steps (or convert other fitness activities to the number of steps) so the company can get to a certain number of steps as a firm wide goal. There are teams and prizes from all expenses paid trips to gift cards.  This activity has always bothered me and this year I decided to speak up.  So this morning, I sent the organizers this letter. 

This week I had a reader pose this question:  "If extra weight is not health-neutral AND dieting and beating yourself up and depriving yourself, etc. is not the path towards health, what do you suggest?"  This reader had decided for herself that she would rather "carry extra weight then the emotional baggage of poor body image / chronic dieting".  She also shared that embracing this "paradox" (weight is unhealthy but so is dieting)  has been an important part of her journey in her relationship with food. 

In addition, this reader shared an article that suggested, among other things, that people should remain the same size into adulthood that they were when they were 20.  I'll comment on this as well.

I was just reading a beautiful and remarkable blog post about loving our bodies so we can model that love for our daughters.  It got me thinking about how there is a certain level of body hatred that most people can agree is not healthy. But what about the subtle body hatred?

In the understandable body love scenario, there is a middle aged woman who has been fighting her weight all her life and has been on more diets than she can count.  Her weight has gone up and down in the process and she has put off doing things in her life based on how she feels about her body.  Everyone can agree that this is not healthy, and get on board with helping this woman accept herself. 

One thing I hear quite often is that people are frustrated by their inconsistent routines.  They want to eat healthier and move their bodies more and then they don’t. 

Sometimes they do, and they feel great, but they can't figure out what is blocking them from going to this imaginary "next level" of consistency. People do "well" during the week and then poorly on the weekend or vice versa.

I was wondering if it would be helpful to share some milestones that I have crossed following the non-diet lifestyle. There have been many aha moments and many small but equally important realizations along the way. 

It all started when I realized I was really focusing on food ALL THE TIME.  Like many others, I thought I was addicted to food and sugar. And I was focused on food because I thought my body was a problem and I thought food was the solution.  

I had a friend ask a question this week which I think will help many people put something in perspective.  She asked, "If I don't follow a diet plan, how do I eat healthy?  When I have "junk" food in the house, I eat too much of it.  I've tried Paleo and that worked for awhile and now I am considering the Whole 30, what do you think?"

I asked her if she wanted my honest opinion and she said yes since we have been friends for 30 years. So I said "NO NO A THOUSAND TIMES NO!!".  (Check out this blog post by Be Nourished for more on what happens after the Whole 30.)

I was thinking the other day about creating a board game for middle school and high school students called "The Game of Life on a Diet".   Yeah - weird I know - but those are the kinds of things I think about. 

You start out with your player, riding a bike (because kids can't drive). At the fork where you are supposed to choose between going to college or getting a job, the player can choose, "Go on First Diet" or "Live Free". 

Weight Watchers has announced that it will offer teens free memberships this summer. This is like a dealer offering free drugs to teens in order to get them hooked for life and keep them coming back for more.

Dieting is like a drug.  When you begin, there is a surge of excitement and a high.  You find your plan, get your materials, set your goal weight and begin.

You lose weight and ride a wave of ecstasy as the praise and adoration floods in and your spirits soar. This shit is awesome, you think. 

I know this sounds like a particularly bold statement so bear with me. People are often concerned with having fat on their bodies and then eating foods that people associate with being fat. One way to handle this concern is to not give a flying fuck (sorry mom) what anyone thinks of your body or what you eat.  For people who are not quite there yet (and it's ok - it can take awhile), they can be caught in a bit of a catch 22.  They want to relax and eat foods they enjoy, but they are still worried that these foods might be responsible for their size. The good news is, there are no such thing as fattening foods!

Did you know that fat feelings are not actually about fat? Fat feelings are an expression of discomfort about something going on in your life. Yet, we are so conditioned to feel like there is something wrong with our bodies that we blame all the discomfort we are feeling on our bodies.  Then we make a plan to change our bodies. This plan is a distraction from the real issue. It is also a way to feel like we are bringing control and certainty into life situations that feel chaotic and scary.  So it's a brilliant coping mechanism, but it doesn't address the real issues.

I was discussing anti-dieting and intuitive eating with a friend over the holidays. I could tell he didn't really get it and the kicker was when he said "I think there is value in trying to stay fit, even if it's hard." (I'm pretty sure he meant "thin" when he said "fit".)

This statement suggests if we simply worked harder, we could all be thin. In reality, this is one of the main misconceptions that keeps people trapped in the dieting cycle for so long. For my friend who said this - he works out and eats "healthy" and stays thin so he thinks everyone can.  This is what many people believe in our culture and it is why the diet industry is booming and why fat shame exists.  People ask themselves, if everyone else can lose the weight or maintain a healthy weight by society standards then why can't I?  

I recently had a reader ask: "How do we change this {diet} culture?  We all talk about how horrible it is, then we perpetuate it by telling friends we're fat. I see how young women dress and think that it's very hard to be young and not in perfect shape. There is also no modesty. Everything is shown these days. Young women must feel the need to look perfect all the time because everything is photographed, "shared", and posted. It's a tough time to be self conscious and yet have to put yourself out there to be a part of social media."

Here was my response: