A Tale of Thanksgiving Past
/This week in the US it was Thanksgiving. A day that used to render both fear and longing in my heart as I looked forward to the freedom to eat "all the things" and dreaded how sick I knew I was going to make myself feel after months of restriction and calorie counting.
That doesn't happen anymore.
This week I put a little summary together of how I've changed over the past 7 years and how my food talk has changed so you can see some of the steps along the way.
Sometimes when we are changing from a deep inner place, we don't notice the changes until we look back and remember. Oh yeah - that's how I used to be!
Here is a synopsis of the changes. You can also skim down to the end for the big takeaways if you want to cut to the chase.
2013: Boy was I tired and angry! My journal is filled with rants about who said what and who did what to whom. I'm overworked, exhausted, and not having any fun. I was a victim to my children's schedule and to all the things that I piled on my own plate (which was a great metaphor for what I was doing with food too - piling it on and often stress eating.)
This is how I felt about my food:
"I can’t win. Ever. And I am just really pissed at myself for waking up every morning feeling crappy about what I ate and when I feel like that it gets worse. I really do have to accept it to end it. I have to say it’s ok - you ate because you needed to and don’t worry you’ll figure it out. But I also want to get mad at myself - why do you need to eat these things that aren’t good for you and you aren’t even hungry? Please please please just save the food for the hunger! So anyway - those are the things flying around my brain this morning. Just pissy pissy pissy!"
There was drama on the inside of my life and out.
2014: I've started intuitive eating at this point, but have not done much work on my inner world. It's also clear I wasn't actually trusting my intuition even though I thought I was. There was still a lot of planning, tracking, judgment, and doubt.
"So - feeling kind of eh. I was feeling fit and healthy for about a day. And then I was hungry for 2 days and feel like I can’t eat enough. And I am tired and don’t want to work out so much. Today is windy and rainy and cold and that has something to do with it. I also didn’t really have a plan to work out and when I don’t plan it doesn’t happen. I have been planning meals better but not really setting a goal and trying to make it happen. I have been tracking what I ate and how it felt for 2 weeks and it’s time now to take those habits that I recorded and do something to improve myself. Had a miserable Thanksgiving with tons of family drama from all sides. Really frustrated and tired and angry about a lot of things."
2015: At this point, I started to take some courses on the deeper meaning behind my food issues and trying to get at the core of what is it I'm really wanting in my life. I'm starting to soften and my journal is filled with gratitude and appreciation.
"I realize now that I have been setting myself up to have people disappoint me and of course they always did. How could they not? In recognizing my error in trying to hold them to my ideal, I hope to soften my edges and let more light and love in so I can share that with others. I have always been fairly hard and unyielding and I’d like that to change. This has been a big step. For the rest of the day, I am going to be grateful for having love in my life. I apologize for being so hard on everyone all this time. No one is perfect.
Friday - the day after Thanksgiving. I had a wonderful holiday. I really enjoyed the food for the first time ever. I wasn’t hungry for the appetizers, so I didn’t eat any and when the meal came I thoroughly enjoyed it. And I went back for some seconds even though I was full. I didn’t really want pie either but it looked yummy so I had some. I heard my stomach for the first time on a holiday. It was definitely full, but I had none of that desperate need for food where your stomach feels like a bottomless pit, and you can eat a whole wheel of baked brie by yourself. What a lovely day. I tried hard to be open to conversations too and they flowed well"
2016: Big year with many new experiences and new courses. A year filled with lots of unknowns and uncertainty and self-doubt as I start exploring new paths.
"There is so much great and wonderful stuff to explore and such a great growth edge that I am very close to, but I’m sort of in the dark space of it. The birth canal perhaps? I know there is more to come and I’m excited about it but at times just feel stuck. I would like to daydream and play today with a way to have a more positive approach with affirmations that support where I want to go. I am glad that I have my inner voice to guide me and I am glad that I am building a support network of thought leaders all around me. There is so much goodness and I already have so much goodness. I really aim to tap into that this holiday season as well. So much to be thankful and grateful for. I am grateful for the amazing patience and support of my husband. I am grateful for the house over my head and my children’s health and well being. I am grateful for the opportunities that keep coming up for me to learn and grow. I am grateful for me."
And there were no comments about food that year! Too busy exploring my life.
2017: An interesting year. Everyone around me went on hardcore diets and I had gained weight. This entry is longer because I had more to process. I entered a new level of growth and was clearing more layers. Here is how I moved forward and where I felt stuck:
"I am not worried about my food today but I am worried about my mood and how I will feel in my body. It’s hard to be proud of what you are doing when friends are doing the opposite. No one will talk about it of course but it’s still the elephant in the room (no pun intended).
And there is something about seeing someone else diet - even when you know you can’t - it would be too hard and your mind would be fucked up - but there is a part that still blames yourself for not being strong enough or able to work hard enough. That is where I have to go deep with the self-compassion today.
What I do for my body and how I feel has to be good enough. And yet there is also the little voice saying - but you don’t always feel that good! And it’s true - but I am healing and I am still figuring out how I want to move and how I want to eat and it is coming from less and less of a place of force and pain and more and more from a place of love and feels easier, softer and gentler all the time.
Even at this moment when others appear to be benefitting from being thinner - I still might think about trying it too for about a nanosecond and then I know it just would not be a good idea. Being in this body right now is the healthiest way for me to be right now. It just feels hard knowing that my friends are looking at my weight gain and I assume they are silently critiquing it since they value thinness and I assume they are critiquing my way of eating.
And I know I should also write about what I am grateful for on this Thanksgiving morning! I am grateful for my family - my unit of 5 here plus Sammie. I am grateful for the extended family. They love us and the kids and I know that. And I am grateful for our beautiful home, and the jobs that support us and my brother and sisters and my family and my friends. I am grateful for this calm morning with only a few things to cook. I am grateful for neighbors and the football game that the kids like to go to. I am grateful for the time to myself and for energy healing and my oils and rituals and ways that I stay grounded.
I am grateful for my awakening and all the opportunities coming my way lately. I am blessed and privileged. I have food and all the comforts of home and more at my disposal.
Friday after: So Thanksgiving was not terrible! Such a weird holiday. So much work and no one even wants to eat all the food. Now thankfully there was no drama. The food was kind of strange because I really wasn’t hungry. But it was good. And at dinner I filled my plate once and honestly wasn’t even hungry - and nothing was calling my name. It was such a relief and so beautiful and is worth every pound I am carrying because I am free. I really enjoyed the meal - stuffing and gravy and the cheesy yellow onions. But it was rich and I was full quickly.
It does bother me that everyone thinks it’s worth severe restriction just to be thin. I love my happy medium - I am eating what is delicious and I am not gorging or bingeing or restricting or worrying or unsatisfied or hungry - and I am carrying maybe XX pounds more than I would like as far as sitting in chairs and crossing my legs and being comfortable goes. But I feel pretty great with regard to everything else. And I am working out and exploring what feels good there. I feel like I am really coming into myself and that is what 2018 will be all about. I can really bring back some nutrition without feeling triggered and diety and I can really make things still be delicious without feeling guilty. And the movement is feeling fun and I’m putting some kickboxing in it and really feeling my body.
So yes - this Thanksgiving was quiet and lovely and I am grateful for my husband who rubbed my feet into the night and I am grateful for my kids who were all well behaved and adorable. I am grateful for the food and shelter and clothing and family and I am so grateful for being where I am in my head right now - even with the weight that makes me fatter than before. And I know there is still more work to do because on certain levels I am still looking at fat as a problem."
2018: A shift toward deeper love and compassion occurs this year and no food comments at all! (Note - that is not a coincidence!)
"It’s Thanksgiving! Even though I kind of dread all the work, I am feeling really happy and blessed to be hosting my family today for the holiday. I was listening to some podcasts yesterday while cleaning the house and it was a reminder that (1) language is so important and when we moan and groan about things we make them worse and (2) what we think is a ‘pain’ is a blessing to others.
So I may think that cooking and cleaning is an effort but what a blessing to have a warm house and hot food and clothing and family that can come from all over and love and laughter.
I am also grateful for this body and all it can do. I am grateful for the gifts I have been given. I am feeling so excited and inspired to keep working on self-compassion and love for all. So let’s watch the language and stay positive and I really do want to learn how to communicate more with my inner self because it’s when I get all caught up in the outside world that I start to lose my way."
2019: Another hard year with food - have I mentioned that this process is not linear? The ebb and flow are absolutely normal since we are humans after all. We will clear and release each time that we prepare to grow, so even when it feels like we are moving backward - it's getting us ready for the next growth spurt. Time to go deeper and let go of more.
It’s Thanksgiving! Truth be told, I kind of wanted to start with a rant this morning. I feel like that’s how I often wake up - focused on what is not working. Instead, I’m going to start focusing on what is working.
I am also still looking forward to feeling better in my body, mind, and spirit so I can enjoy the abundance that surrounds me. I sometimes feel limited, pained, sluggish, tired, it’s hard to move, things hurt, I don’t want to do anything, blah, yuck.
And I’m not sure why I do certain things that don’t make me feel good. Yesterday I ate a lunch of meatballs and cheese with a little pasta. I felt full but not satisfied when I was done. It occurred to me that maybe I didn’t feel satisfied because there was not enough nutrition in the meal - not enough vitamins, minerals, etc. Then I ate the same thing for dinner because it was available and I was alone and it was easy and satisfying and an old comfort thing from way back - I used to always make chicken patties with sauce and cheese for dinner when I was alone.
And this time I finished it off with some ice cream which was delicious but I always eat the whole container of this particular ice cream even though I feel ill 2/3 of the way through. I don’t want to put it back and I don’t want to eat it all and yet I do. I don’t know why I do that. And then I go to bed with a stomach ache and feeling let down and wondering what is wrong with me that I do this. I do it every few weeks. So I feel like I cycle through a few really up days or parts of days and then a few flat days with nothing much going on but I’m ok with it and then a few low days where I wonder what the heck is the point and if I don’t get this stuff with all the work I do on it then how is anyone else going to ever get it?
I'm also feeling anxious about the holiday. Holidays often make me anxious. What can I do to make Thanksgiving not suck? (Ahhhhh, I guess that explains all the comfort food decisions!)
Well - first I will move today and feel good in my body - I’ll do some yoga or Nia, not sure which. I will make a salad to share. I will set an intention and take some quiet time to meditate on how I wish the whole thing would go. And you know what I just realized? I will show up feeling relaxed and grateful and ready to support people and share my compassion and love.
I often look at others as separate from me. But how are we one? Today I will let go of the inner critic voice that tells me what they think of me or how they might be judging me because that is just my negative internal voice. And I will stop judging them for what they do and look at it from a wider lens and perspective. Ok, I just needed the reminder, that feels good.
Ok - so I had a lovely morning journaling. Then I did some Energy Medicine yoga and I feel really great right now. My body feels calm. I feel like I am healing on an even deeper level. I also took a hot shower and tried on different clothes and I felt really good in my clothes. I will go get dressed for Thanksgiving shortly. I am not afraid. I am neutral and calm and peaceful and I wish the best to everyone. I feel quite lovely right now.
I also looked at my legs today and I saw beauty in even the cellulite and I look at my shape and see wisdom and glory and power and I look at my body and I am grateful and feel wonderful.
The belly is the part I have a hard time with. I would still like it to go away at times- again - not so much because of the size as because of the way it seems to get in my way. I am just not comfortable with it. I know that is hugely metaphoric but it also feels true at times. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love myself or what I am all about or what I am discovering or who I am and that is the most important part right now. I know that I am doing everything I possibly can to love and help myself and the rest will fall into place. I trust that. I also know that I get stressed about my belly when I am stressed about other things and there is a lot of growth happening again right now.
Friday after: Thanksgiving was quite lovely. All conversations went fine and it felt easy. I know it’s from getting myself in a good headspace before the festivities.
I also saw some friends and it's clear that the dieters in my life have also started to gain the weight back. I wanted to warn them that would happen but I guess they have to figure it out for themselves. Suddenly people were asking for 2nds at dinner before anyone else was done eating and having trouble not eating all the sweets and talking about it all the time. I could have predicted all of this and it’s happening. I’m not glad but it is validating to see that strict restriction does not last long and is not enjoyable. Their changes hadn't come from love, they came from fear and that can only motivate for so long before there is burn out.
My food? Oh, that was fine, I ate what was delicious and that was that."
2020: What a year of pause and reflection. A year of diving deep into my inner self and on the surface still continuing to explore and strengthen my relationship with food. No drama this year - only gratitude.
"So - Thanksgiving morning! I’m thankful for all the interesting people and experiences I have had in 2020 - what a year eh? I’m grateful for my husband and children and family. I’m grateful for my guides and for my body which has put up with me through so much and continues to do so. I’m grateful to be having this experience in a body on the planet at this time. I’m grateful to be learning and growing and expanding always. I’m grateful for our sweet dog who puts up with us and for the trees and beauty that surround us. I’m grateful for the bountiful harvest of food that we will enjoy today. I’m grateful to all the authors of all the books that bring new ideas into my life. What an amazing and incredible world we live in. I am grateful for Dr. Kim and the Arizona gang. I’m grateful for the channelers and mystics and lightworkers and guides - sharing their gifts and supporting the world. I’m grateful to my clients for choosing to learn how to free themselves even when it's not always the easiest path. I’m grateful for the power of love. Ahhh - that feels so good. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be kind of full later but I'm looking forward to some delicious food and a low-key relaxing holiday.
Friday: Yesterday was wonderful. It moved with ease and there was lots of love and gratitude. I did some qigong/pilates in the morning. We zoomed with my family, we watched football with the kids by the fire (even though the day was actually kind of warm) and ate snacks, we zoomed with Steve’s family, we made the full thanksgiving meal - and ate it in about 15 min! And no one was hungry after the appetizers. I was absolutely too full and there was no judgment. We later watched a movie and ate pie and it was delicious."
So what are the big takeaways from my experiences?
One of the biggest changes is the shift that occurred in my outer world when I started to take stock of and responsibility for my inner world. When I worked on self-care, self-love, and self-compassion, everything else started to fall into place. My job changed, my relationships softened, my responsibilities at home morphed, and my judgments decreased towards myself and others. The drama left the holiday season when the drama left me and I was way less preoccupied with food as a result.
The other takeaway is knowing that I have a lifelong relationship with my body and food and that at times it's going to feel better than at others. The process of healing is not linear and the energy of the world is also going to impact what is happening for me and there are lots of things that are not within my control. But I stopped feeling like I was going backward if I ended up at a feeling that I used to have in the past. Instead, I got curious about what I could learn this time around and I worked on consciously and deliberately and continuously letting go of fear and moving towards love.
There are still times when I want to feel better in my body - but that has become my guide as opposed to a judgment and it's now a way to help me make decisions that are for my highest good. I'm actually learning how to tune in and listen on a deeper level more and more every day.
I now trust that I will continue to hone my ability to take care of my body from a loving and intuitive approach and I no longer place my worth or my value only on what I look like.
I am still committed to my health and fascinated by my relationship with food, but I no longer feel out of control or fearful, or frustrated. I'm curious and willing to experiment and I make sure to include ease and fun as a priority in what I do.
I am less concerned with "perfect" and recognize that the state of my health and my body has so much more to do with the state of my emotions, my mind, and my energy and spirit than I ever knew. AND my explorations are also leading me back to the physical realm and finding those things that make me feel nourished and nurtured - in movement, food, fun, work, and relationships.
When I don't feel very good I ask myself - what would it take to feel 2% better? I focus on the little steps that are easy and sustainable.
I find I am less focused on some imaginary point in the future and I have ceased to make catastrophic projections about what might happen. I am making sure to enjoy the ride and I'm also proceeding with care and caution and gentleness and doing whatever needs to be done for my own self-care during this chaotic time in our world. I realized that is priority number one if I am going to support others.
I hope that you are also able to connect with your self-compassion this holiday (if you are in the States) and all year long. "Pain and discomfort are inevitable but suffering is optional", as they say, and if your relationship with food is causing suffering, there is a way out.
A reminder that we have our free calls on Tuesday nights from 7-8:30 pm EST. You can email me here if you'd like me to save you a seat for Tuesday, December 1st. These calls will be held until 2021 as a resource for supporting each other on our path to peace with food.
Thanks for being here and choosing to Live Free!
Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash