My Trip to Iceland and Walking My Talk

At the end of August, I had the utter privilege of taking a trip to Iceland with my family (my husband and 3 kids, ages 20, 17, and 14) for a week's vacation.  We were drawn to Iceland for its rugged beauty and closeness to nature. My husband put together all the details and researched at length what we would do and where we would stay.

Interestingly, I never asked him for many details before we left. I think maybe subconsciously I was afraid to hear what he was planning for us!

I knew this trip would be challenging for me.  I wasn't sure if I would have the physical strength to do everything everyone wanted to do, and I am not an adventurous person at heart.

I also knew that the trip was going to provide me with ample opportunity to practice what I preach with regard to life coaching and body acceptance, and I knew that stepping out of my comfort zone would bring many opportunities for growth and expansion.

Boy - was I right. 

This trip was also a chance for me to befriend my body and see what it could do in a new environment. Before we left I kept having the awareness that "you are stronger than you think."  That mantra was tested on the very first day.

Our first stop on our tour of activities was a bridge between the North American tectonic plate and the Eurasian one. It was a simple bridge that looked like it was on the surface of the moon. 

There was black sand and boulders everywhere and of course, my kids all took off to climb over the rocks and get to the highest peak for the best viewing.

I dropped immediately into my old pattern - I tried to control what they did and how they did it and tried to keep everyone safe. Most moms want to keep their kids safe, especially in a foreign country but I felt the fear well up and knew I was in for a long week as I watched them all step out to the edge of the peak they had climbed.

It wasn't all that big - but I feared for them anyway.

This first stop brought up an important life coaching and personal development lesson;  noticing your patterns.

At this point, I should also mention that I'm taking a year-long course in studying the Enneagram. The Enneagram is an incredibly in-depth tool for learning more about yourself in order to see your patterns, change them, and expand your mind, body, and spirit for the betterment of your experience and for humanity. 

I had recently learned that I am a "self-preservation type one".  This means that not only do I tend to be a "perfectionist rule follower who wants to do everything right" (can anyone relate?), but I am also incredibly preoccupied with self-preservation (i.e. anything related to food, body, safety, money, shelter and survival.) 

Knowing my "type" is not about putting myself in a box, it's about being able to see when I am living my type in a healthy way, or when I have sunk into dysfunction.

I was exhibiting some dysfunction on my trip right from the get-go with my need to control and my fear-based thinking. I was telling my kids where to go and how far up to go and what to climb on and what not to climb on. I was afraid for their safety but I wasn't trusting them at all to know their own limits or make their own decisions.

We continued on and the rest of the day held much of the same experience for me. We would stop somewhere and I would tell everyone not to get too close to anything and how to be safe.

Fast forward to the end of the day. We had brunch at an amazing and delightful spot and we all felt fueled and energized. I loved the variety of the brunch - eggs, pancakes, fruit, granola, sausage, bacon, bread, and chocolate mousse. Yum! We were all tired but feeling good in our bodies.

We decided to press on and do a hike that was going to take us to a hot spring in the hills that we could relax in. 

This hike took us several miles uphill. It twisted and turned. It was over rocks and at times very steep. It also casually took us along hillsides where the world fell away to nothing to our left as we walked up the path. I couldn't even get close to the edge - I was terrified of tripping to my death and convinced my children were going to fall too.  (That tiny dot is my son in the very middle of the picture standing near one of these drop-offs as the path carves around the side of the hill.)

This hike was challenging and there were many times we considered turning back. We have a variety of experience and aptitude among our family when it comes to hikes. Some of us love them and some do not. But it was our first day and our spirits were high and we were all curious enough about the hot springs that we kept going.

Every turn in the road was like the lines you wait in for rides at Disneyland. We would turn a corner only to see the path continue to rise and disappear around another hill. It felt like the hike took forever. And then finally we came upon the springs.  It was actually a small river that ran down the hillside and had little pools that bubbled and churned like a trail of hot tubs connected by baby waterfalls.

We stripped down to our bathing suits which we had under our clothes. This was win number 1 for body acceptance. I didn't hesitate to join the kids.  After a long walk, with a very tired body (we'd been up for about 30 hours straight at this point), it was glorious to soak in the hot river and let our cares float away. This was one of the highlights of the trip for sure.

Win number 2 for body acceptance was getting out and changing out of our wet clothes by the side of the river. There were people all along the way and we held up towels for each other to change behind. We were giggling and laughing and it started to rain.

I did not have a care in the world who saw what while we got dressed. We were enjoying nature and I was not going to spend any time comparing myself to any other bodies. I was grateful and happy to be with my family on our adventure.

Next, we hiked down the hill again, this time in the 50-degree rain and my feet were hurting with every step. This is where my body awareness skills also came into play. I kept repeating the mantra "You are stronger than you think" and I made sure to take good care of myself later into the evening and the next morning.

I hydrated, I ate foods that sounded appealing, I took Vitamin C and Doterra OnGuard every day of the trip to ward off illness. I did yoga stretches in the morning before the family woke up and also incorporated Donna Eden energy medicine moves and Qi Gong moves to support my tired body and show it my gratitude. I listened to healing frequencies on YouTube at night if I was sore or had trouble sleeping in strange beds.

I felt much better the morning after our arrival and the long hike than I would have thought possible. 

The next day, we drove 3 hours (each way) to ride in a boat among the glaciers.  I waffled between gratitude for my husband putting together an interesting itinerary for us and concern that we were all going to fall apart with exhaustion. The boat's safety was also concerning me. We had to wear head-to-toe life jacket suits that floated and would keep us warm in case we fell overboard. Gulp.

I was also concerned that they wouldn't have suits that would fit us since we are all very different sizes. Body acceptance win number 3 came in here. They offered me a suit that looked way too small so I asked for a larger size without shame and put it on cheerfully.

Again, I didn't compare myself to the other bodies and was grateful that I was able to participate. On the boat, I held on for dear life. I was still experiencing a lack of trust in myself and those around me and I kept noticing that with curiosity. 

The trip continued with a variety of activities that scared the crap out of me. On day 3 we went to see our first of many waterfalls. I mistakenly thought we were just going to walk up and look at it and take some pictures. But my husband and kids spotted a worn path that went straight towards the waterfall and took off. It was rainy and muddy and cold and there are no guard rails or signs or supervision at places like these. I didn't know if it was safe or not.

I stayed back while they went ahead. I was terrified they were going to fall in. Again no trust on my part.  I stood in the rain by myself and practiced something one of my mentors taught me where I held in my right hand how I was feeling in the moment (scared, sad, fearful) and then I held how I wanted to be in the left hand (joyful, trusting, free) and I brought them together in prayer position while breathing deeply.  I turned around towards the waterfall and saw flashes of camera light coming from the rocks behind the waterfall so I knew my family had made it there safely.

I continued to notice my fear and desire to control. Iceland IS a potential source of danger, but so are a lot of things. I could keep imagining the worst-case scenarios happening, or I could relax and enjoy the trip.

Focusing on "what might happen" was going to hold me back from joy and pleasure and offered no benefit. This is one of the biggest life coaching lessons I have understood intellectually for years and I was getting an even bigger opportunity to practice it.

Initially, I couldn't wrap my head around that concept for myself while imagining my kids hurtling to their deaths. At the same time, I had the deep knowing and awareness while standing near that waterfall that my issue wasn't the death of my children. The thing holding me back was my fear of feeling pain of any kind. I didn't want my children to have the physical pain of getting hurt and I didn't want the emotional pain of having them go through it.

My not wanting anything painful to ever happen was what I was here to let go of and move through. Pain is a natural part of life. Each waterfall we visited was another invitation and opportunity to practice trust and grace. To be honest, sometimes I was able to do it wonderfully and at other times I still couldn't get there.

Practicing what I preach, I met myself with compassion and love for feeling as I did in each moment. I accepted what was in each moment and I practiced not judging myself or feeling ashamed of how I felt.

Meanwhile, my worst moment came on a day when it was windy and raining (again) and my husband stopped so we could go check out a big crevice in the rock where you could walk in and see a little stream coming down.

Now on the one hand I was thinking, "oh come on, we've seen tons of natural wonders already, do we really have to go out again in the driving rain and risk slipping off another ledge for a walk in a rock crevice?" It just didn't seem worth it to me.

But of course, everyone wanted to go. It seemed the more I resisted, the more they all wanted to do something. (How interesting!) So we got out of the car and headed up the hill. At one point, the hill was still going up, the ground fell away to nothing at our left (again) and the fog was deep. I had visions of the fog settling even deeper so that we wouldn't see our steps and we would all fall off the cliff.

I stopped my husband and asked him why on Earth we were taking our kids to their imminent death? He tried really hard to keep a straight face as I implored him to let us go back to the car. Keeping in mind, he had researched all of these places and knew that ultimately they weren't all that scary and dangerous, they just seemed that way. And accidents can happen all the time.

The scenario reminded me of the idea that walking on a 2-foot wide plank on the ground is a piece of cake, but put that plank in between two 10 story buildings, and all of a sudden it feels like you can't walk in a straight line. My husband kept reminding me that my children weren't going to suddenly forget how to walk up a hill - even if it was on the side of a cliff.

We pressed on. We walked into the crevice and I admit it was pretty incredible and in hindsight the hill we climbed was nothing. In the crevice, the fog was settling in the rocks, the water was rushing beneath our feet, and the majesty of nature was there to absorb.  I took a deep breath and relaxed a bit even though I stubbornly didn't want to admit that this was beautiful and magical! 

We left and I let myself feel what I was feeling. There was some anger, some resentment, some sadness, some fear, some embarrassment, as well as curiosity and compassion for this whole experience.

This is where the Enneagram comes in again. As a type one, when I am stressed I move to type four.  Specifically “Ones take on qualities of Fours, becoming more resentful of others having fun, more sensitive to criticism, and more critical of themselves and others. Their inner critic can go into overdrive.” Bingo.

Now I had the awareness that I was reacting in exactly the way you would expect a stressed-out type one to react. I resented everyone else's fun and wanted to blame everyone for making me feel afraid. I gave myself a mental hug for continuing to stay and explore what felt so raw and challenging.

I noticed the discomfort creeping in with each activity and I stayed with it. I didn't try to push it away, repress it, or fix it. I let it be. I wished it wasn't there but I didn't judge myself for it. I also brought home with me a curiosity about how to let go of this pattern in order to find more freedom. 

The next obstacle I had to face was a hike to an active volcano. All along while we were planning our trip to Iceland, my husband wanted to go there because there was a volcano erupting that he wanted to get close to. And all along, I thought that was the stupidest idea I had ever heard and secretly hoped the weather would not be conducive to the hike.

As the day approached, I realized that there was no way I could say no to my husband going if that was what he wanted to do. I do not control him and I would never want him to live his life in a way to please me. 

We did talk about how safe it was to take the kids. We researched and looked at YouTube videos and asked a few people who had done it how it went. The results were inconclusive - some people said the climb was easy and some said they couldn't make it all the way.

I also had to admit that even if I could do the hike, I didn't want to.  This one was not only about fear. I didn't want to spend 6 hours driving to a volcano, hiking it, and coming back.  It was only my ego that said "don't you want to say you hiked to see an active volcano? Wouldn't that be cool?" 

This is where I reminded myself that we all have different desires and preferences. I would much rather go on a meditation retreat and excavate the depths of my soul than the hike to a volcano. I'm more of an inner adventurer than an outer one and that's ok. It doesn't mean I'm not cool!

I was also concerned with the physicality of the hike, it was rough terrain and very steep in parts and I was nursing a sore ankle after all the hikes we had already been doing. So I passed on the volcano.

I felt a little lame, but I noticed that and kept noticing the belief that somehow I was going to be a better person if I did the hike? I do agree that when we push ourselves, some cool stuff can happen.  But I also knew that if I wasn't feeling like this was going to be a rewarding experience then maybe I should let my husband and kids go have their experience without me hovering and worrying.

They did their research, they picked the optimal time of day and I supported their journey. 3 of them took off at 6 am and completed the hike and saw the volcano. They said it was the coolest thing they ever did and I was happy for them.

Meanwhile, I got some much-needed rest and went to brunch with my son who didn't want to do the climb either. We had a great day and I was happy and relaxed for the rest of our trip and our activities once I let go of this need to go on the hike just because everyone else was.

I noticed that this was another pattern my whole life - that idea of FOMO (fear of missing out) leading me to do things I didn't really want to do just to say I did them.

I also learned from this that I don't want to feel like I can't physically do something if I want to.  For me, this was an example of BOTH/AND. Sometimes we do have to live with limitations and we always need to practice acceptance of what is, AND I would like to be able to do a more rigorous hike if I want to.

So my takeaway was to explore adding more rigorous movement to my daily routines in order to feel stronger, while also not judging myself or beating myself up, or creating grandiose plans of change that I would never follow through on. 

Our trip ended with a few glorious days in Reykjavik where I felt like the ground came back under my feet. We shopped and ate and walked and rested. We also reflected and talked about the trip and what we loved the most. 

I loved being surrounded by the beauty of the land for miles in every direction. I loved being on an adventure with my family. I loved being challenged and facing some of the fears and density that I still carry in my body.

I also loved seeing what my body could do and feeling into how I could support it in being even stronger and healthier. I loved seeing people of all ages and sizes at every stop - moving, exploring, and enjoying being alive. I almost want to go back again so I can drop into even more presence and appreciation. I may just have to leave my children home so I don't have to worry about anyone falling off a cliff!

They also had the most incredible rainbows in Iceland! 

I also brought home a new awareness of the ways I worry about my kids and I don't trust them to figure things out and I think I have to control everything for them. I'm grateful to Iceland for the reminder of how it didn't feel good to be so fearful and how freedom comes from letting go. 

Overall, the entire trip was about stepping into the unknown, surrendering to the flow of what wanted to happen, seeing my patterns and having an awareness of my fears, knowing that I can't stop painful things from happening, as well as celebrating my body and all it did to support me on the trip.  The trip was also about appreciating the beauty and power of nature on a deep soul level.

Ultimately, every experience, whether a trip to Iceland or a trip to the grocery store, is rife with opportunities to notice, observe, allow, choose, feel, breathe, support, surrender and open. I am excited to notice how this is happening for me every day in the smallest of ways and to step into those opportunities. I feel more aware, alive, and connected to myself than when I left which is why I think people love to travel in the first place.

Thank you, Iceland and a big thank you to my husband, kids, and the enneagram for teaching me more about myself every day!