A Day in The Life of Self-Acceptance

Hi all! I'm popping in today to share a few tools that I have been using lately in my self-acceptance practice.

Cognitively, it was really easy for me to grasp the importance of self-acceptance and the benefit I'd receive from reducing the negative thoughts that I had for myself and my body. 

But it has been more of a challenge to release the fears I had embedded in my body, about my body, and to practice my new beliefs in real life.

So lesson number one is don't beat yourself up if you don't feel acceptance towards yourself 24/7 because this work takes time and everyone's path to healing is going to look very different. 

Self-acceptance, body neutrality, and body respect are practices that need repeating until they start to stick. On some days and in some situations, you might feel like you are making progress and on other days it's back to the drawing board. That's ok! 

Lesson two is that it's important to know that changing our thoughts is one part of the healing process but restoring the body is necessary too since how we feel is stored in the body, not just the mind. 

Healing also doesn't mean that you won't ever feel triggered, but that you will move through triggers faster and will have a stronger foundation to support you as you practice more and more.

What I have learned is that a negative body thought is at it's simplest - an invitation to soften and move with even more compassion towards yourself, not away. 

Accepting myself does not mean I will never feel shame in my body, but now I know the real work is unpacking the shame and not trying to change my body. 

This is a lesson I come back to over and over. 

Oh and make sure you practice in a small low-risk way before moving to the bigger and more nerve-wracking scenarios. So I might practice at the grocery store so I can get better at handling a family reunion for example. 

This is what my self-acceptance practice looks like in real-time these days, whether I'm at the grocery store, out at a restaurant or at an activity with my kids.

Let's say that I am going out to dinner. Now I know that no matter what my body looks like, I am worthy of having my needs met, being comfortable and that my body deserves respect.

So the first thing I will focus on is my clothing and my appearance. I will find clothes that are going to be comfortable where I am going. Can I sit in these clothes? Stand in these shoes? Will I be warm enough? Will I be relaxed? Will I present the person I really am or am I trying to please others with my appearance?

Next, I will focus on my intention for the event. I find it's really helpful to remind myself why I'm doing what I am doing and what I hope to get out of the event. Maybe I am going to something to be of support for someone else, maybe I am going to celebrate someone, maybe I am going to maintain a connection with people I care about, or I am interested in learning or exploring a new cuisine or setting. Maybe I am going to simply celebrate life and have fun.

I will connect with my intention and hold that thought in my heart and my body as I get ready for the outing.

Now that used to be the end of my practice, and I would head out to dinner or an activity and forget to check in with my body again until I got home.

But lately, I have been continuing to notice, challenge and explore the sensations in my body and the thoughts in my brain while I am out. 

One of my favorite questions lately has been - ok - you are seated here at dinner (or at a hockey game or at a school meeting), and what would be different right now at this moment if your body were smaller, taller, a different shape or size? Often I end up smiling to myself and realizing - nothing - absolutely nothing would be different in this moment if my body were different.

I would still be seated at dinner or a hockey game or a school meeting. I would not be a different person, I would not suddenly be surrounded by more people or have any more witty banter filling my head.

One thing I often hear people say for example is that they wished they could cross their legs better than they can. For some reason, leg crossing has been universally equated with thinness and is a desired state of being.  Now I have seen people in big bodies who cross their legs with ease and people in smaller bodies that can't do it at all. But talk about being conditioned to think something is important!

Today I was out and while I was sitting there I thought - would life be different if my legs were crossed right now? Has anyone noticed that they aren't crossed? What does it mean about me that they aren't? Would I be a different person if they were? Would my experience be better?

At that moment,  the absurdity of thinking that life would be any better at all if my legs were crossed made me almost burst out laughing. What a silly thought? Now, what actually would make me more comfortable in the moment?

That's when I took the time to sit up, and put my shoulders back and release my belly and take a few deep breaths. Now I felt more comfortable, relaxed and present.

And that is the practice you can do wherever you are and whenever you want. 

If you are in a situation where you are uncomfortable, first, hear what kinds of things your mind wants to tell you (silly things like your legs should be crossed or there should be a certain amount of distance between your thighs or your hips shouldn't go over the edges of the seat.)  

Notice that these are all arbitrary conditions - who said?  When did they say that? Does it apply to everyone? What does it actually mean if it doesn't look like someone said it should?

Then ask yourself - how would things be different if my body was different? Now - there are times where the world does not accommodate the size of our bodies - and so it's understandable that we would want to change our bodies in response. But if you had a comfortable chair that accommodated your body - it's likely you would not even be having these thoughts about your body. So is it your body that is the problem or the chair?

What else would be different at the moment if your body were different? Take whatever you come up with as an answer and ask yourself - is that really true? Is it true that I would be more extroverted and social if I could cross my legs? (Um - no.) Is it true that I would never again feel awkward in social situations?

And next, ask yourself - what do I want to be different at this moment?

And finally, the million-dollar question is - how can I have what I want to be different without changing my body to get it? So if I want to be more comfortable, what could I do? It might mean I need to advocate for myself to get a more comfortable chair. I might need to buy more comfortable clothing. I might need to stand and stretch. I might need to take some deep breaths and relax my shoulders. I might need to stop trying to suck in my stomach and giving myself a cramp.

I might need to stop talking to the people I am talking to because I am not enjoying myself. I might need to find something to drink or get some food because I am hungry or thirsty. I might need to focus on the internal sensations in my body and relax them one at a time.

No matter what - I know I can make myself feel more comfortable in the moment and there are infinite possibilities for how to do that. What won't make me more comfortable is blaming my body for my discomfort and vowing to change it to fit the world around me.  We all know how that ends.

So when you are out and about and starting to feel uncomfortable about your body, how can you check in with yourself to release what is only going to make you feel bad about yourself and embrace what will help make you feel better in the moment?

Like all practices, it takes time for this to become second nature and it might hurt to focus on these questions in the beginning.  But instead of blaming and shaming ourselves and living in a fog of guilt and fear, the way out is by going through the experience of really getting present and living in your body. The one that you have right now and right here today.

How many times have you needed to go to the bathroom but you waited? Or you were hungry or thirsty but you waited? Or you needed to sit down but were too embarrassed? Or you needed to lie down but didn't want people to stare at you - even when you are outside and there was a nearby field of grass? How often have you overridden what your body was asking for?

The more you practice tuning into your body, the more attuned you will get to your needs and the more you will notice sensations that you can respond to and the more you will actually respond and the better you will feel as you continue to build the positive feedback loop between you and your body that may have gotten disconnected somewhere along the way.

Comments? Questions? I'm here for you as we find our way through this together.